People Who Are Younger Than Me

And More Successful.

Sometimes you just need to wallow in self-misery. Let's blame Facebook!

Sarah. My friend just announced on facebook she has completed her MBA and is now working on her masters in Software Engineering. What the hell? She’s also married with two cute dogs and a nice husband and a really nice house. She has no student debt. How is this possible? This is a chick who spent the first year after college emailing me daily how much she hated her job and spent most afternoons googling how to become a nurse or stay at home mom. Now she’s somewhere in Middle Management, earning a lot of money and just being a badass. How did this happen? Where did I miss my opportunity?

Sam. Sam should be at least a decade older than me. Like Sarah, she has the nice husband and house. And the adultness only starts there - She and her husband are participating in marathons and training for triathalons. Having a friggin’ kid. And their house - it is such an adult house. Sure, it’s big. I mean, they’re both engineers. But more than that, it is nice. So well decorated. Everything looks like it came from a magazine. How do these people accomplish this before 30?

Randy. Randy went a very different direction than me - she got pregnant while in college and dropped out and became a nurse. Since then, she’s gotten married and had three more kids. I don’t understand how she can be the same age as me. First, her kids are adorable. Second, based solely on Facebook, she is the best mom ever. She’s always doing fun crafts with them, taking cute pictures. Her son likes to have his nails painted like his sisters. She’s even progressive! If I were ever become a mom, I would want to be one like that. How does she do all this and still be my age? I struggle to take care of my cat. I’m impressed that all four kids are alive, let alone adorable and well taken care of and happy.

Tim B. I recently interviewed this kid for an internship at my company. Neither my colleague nor I felt qualified to interview this guy. He created a non-profit when he was a sophomore in high school, that is still going. He worked at Intel and Stephen Hawking commented on his project. He was rejected from our school three times and kept re-applying. He studied hard once he got there - he said his college GPA was better than his high school. It’s an engineering school!

Jennifer Lawrence. She is three and a half years younger than me. She has an Oscar! And two more nominations! And while I don’t disagree that she is talented, no one should have won anything for Silver Linings Playlist. I mean, seriously. It was a glorified rom-com. But good job on the awards and the Hunger Games franchise.

Taylor Swift. She is three years younger than me. For years, I resisted her charms, thinking her stupid and her music lame. Then 1989 came out and I became a stan. Every one of her songs is now on my phone. I have a Taylor Swift Pandora station at work. It’s a sickness. But music aside, girl is damn good at business and public image. Her Tumblr, Instagram, and Twitter accounts are flawless and should be studied by all other celebrities attempting social media. She’s made being a cat lady (relatively) cool. She wears whatever she wants and does it well. She’s built an empire, knew what she wanted to do at the age of 14. And writes her own music! That wins Grammy's! Who can’t get behind that? She also has a very cute New York apartment with a closet full of very cute clothes and has cute friends and cute cats. It’s exhausting.

Keirnan Shipke. I am not going to look up her age because she’s probably at least a decade younger than me. Yet she still has at least twice the class and integrity. And she’s made Sally one of the most interesting characters on Mad Men. Can I be Keirnan when I grow up?

Jessica Williams.  I really like what she says the majority of the time and she manages not to make an ass of herself on twitter (*cough*trevornoah*cough*). Outside of The Daily Show, she has a few respectable parts, including a recurring character on a recent season of HBO’s GIRLS. But then I realized she was three years younger than me... This is crazy impressive. How did this happen? How did she accomplish this? She joined TDS when she was twenty-two, the youngest correspondent ever. And today, despite still being one of the younger correspondents, she is by far the best. Just look at her recent Beyonce defense!

Malala. She has a Nobel prize. She’s brilliant and passionate and has made the world a better place. I also primarily included her so this list wouldn’t just be friends from high school and celebrities...

Mark Zuckerberg. Okay, he is three years older than me. But what had he accomplished by my age? Literally everything. I’ve missed my chance to change the world and become super rich and have a David Fincher movie made out of my life. Also, this means he was younger than me when The Social Network came out. I rest my case. A fucking David Fincher movie! With Justin Timberlake!